One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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