I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
