I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
