In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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