Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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