That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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