sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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