And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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