R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
