I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
