So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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