I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
