Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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