I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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