I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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