i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
