Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
