this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
