R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
