Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
