Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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