sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
