I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
