I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
