my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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