Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
