I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
