i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
