Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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