i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
