I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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