Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(516): View more from New York

the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

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(516): the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice" http://tfl.nu/bgbh

Replies (18) Good night (4078) Bad night (1100)
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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(818): I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off. http://tfl.nu/7sly

Replies (27) Good night (680) Bad night (4198)
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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y

Replies (57) Good night (1490) Bad night (7535)
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(517): View more from Michigan

sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.

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(517): sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him. http://tfl.nu/vixo

Replies (13) Good night (3691) Bad night (774)
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(509): View more from Washington

so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week

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(509): so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week http://tfl.nu/b2p9

Replies (25) Good night (5167) Bad night (785)
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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm

Replies (57) Good night (17387) Bad night (1408)
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(989): View more from Michigan

It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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(989): It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here. http://tfl.nu/e0yb

Replies (6) Good night (3375) Bad night (1250)
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(630): View more from Illinois

He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.

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(630): He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick. http://tfl.nu/e6nk

Replies (29) Good night (1301) Bad night (6112)
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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(+36): until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober. http://tfl.nu/a4ay

Replies (4) Good night (2291) Bad night (658)
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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(908): You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution. http://tfl.nu/9oem

Replies (4) Good night (2534) Bad night (818)
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(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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(661): I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love. http://tfl.nu/wt93

Replies (8) Good night (1040) Bad night (765)
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(419): View more from Ohio

Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.

(206): View more from Washington

That would've been embarrassing.

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(419): Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night. (206): That would've been embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/nb0e

Replies (7) Good night (1268) Bad night (534)
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(773): View more from Illinois

All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.

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(773): All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now. http://tfl.nu/dqh8

Replies (6) Good night (943) Bad night (417)
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(971): View more from Oregon

she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here

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(971): she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here http://tfl.nu/l846

Replies (5) Good night (936) Bad night (379)
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(347): View more from New York

Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?

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(347): Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"? http://tfl.nu/9uhb

Replies (1) Good night (415) Bad night (174)

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