absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!