Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?