I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.