the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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