Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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