meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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