just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want nice things and good sex
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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