Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
