have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
