Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
