he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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