Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
