Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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