Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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