youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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