Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
