I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
