we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
