so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
