I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
