You smell like a Billy Joel song
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
