I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
