dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
