I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
