I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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