no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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