He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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