Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
