I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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