Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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