I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
