every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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