She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
