So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
